Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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whatcha thinkin bout
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.