Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
That’s enough internet for the day
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?