Every damn time
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
brian had himself a morning…
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
😂😂😂
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly