Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.