I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Worth remembering.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.