[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.