I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??