never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.