DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
that lip filler tho
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Ha