“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A game married people play.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*