Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me