DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You Might Also Like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors