*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?