ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed