Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I told my vodka about you.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
i dont have time for this
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!