10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.