Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I just ran a .003048K
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
rise and shine we got egg
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman