It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
There is wisdom there.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.