Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.