My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
This probably isn’t good
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
man i love columbo
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up