When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Bless you
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.