All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names