i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
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Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
This is hilarious….
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks