H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide