indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”