bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?