SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Yup
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I think my mom just blocked me
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The best shot in the history of golf
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews