“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My daily affirmation
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.