If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
You Might Also Like
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.