“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Where is your GOD now????
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok