When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Wait, let me explain..”
This makes total sense…
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”