[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
You Might Also Like
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
The Weeknd is back
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
They also CAN sing✌️
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit