Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.