When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Woke up against my better judgement again
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.