Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.