Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.