Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.