Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness