*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Cool shirt 🙂
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song