The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”