[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
FRED: right
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist