*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Why would I want to fund a crowd?