My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.