[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy