Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
your honor my client chooses dare
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.