The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same