Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
#DesignFail
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]