The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.