Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*