Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Worst perfume name ever.